On the political front, there was a fire in Cheney’s wing of White House Compound today. No casualties or anything, so we don’t have to worry about Dick C’s ascension to the throne. Just some smoke, water and fire damage, the extent of which remains unclear. Full report here.
Upon hearing this news while driving to work, I immediately began working over the conspiratorial angles of such an incident. (Who wouldn’t?) Of course, when there is a fire at a government building, there is always one common outcome: loss of records/documents. Now, opaqueness — even obstruction — has been the hallmark of the Bush administration and if anyone ever actually pushes, the excuse is the same: “raison d’etat”… or as the White House would phrase it “National Security”. Unfailingly, it’s the term employed anytime anyone in the current Executive Branch does anything they have to explain… or obscure.
Which brings me to my conspiracy. Yesterday, a judge ruled against the White House in a lawsuit brought by the liberal watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility in Ethics in Washington (sweet acronym: CREW!). Seems that the White House has been keeping its visitor logs a secret, technically a violation of the Freedom of Information Act. Presidential records are protected by law… but the trick is that these logs are not presidential records. In fact, they are Secret Service records and those fall under the provisions of the aforementioned Info Act.
The Bush White House, however, was trying their damnedest to turn those logs into presidential records. In short, they didn’t want Americans terrorists to see the names of White House visitors. (It’s so sad when the fed has to keep its actions hidden from ITS GODDAMN CONSTITUENTS. But I digress…) CREW up and sued and a judge agreed with their point: the administration had to cough up the logs in response to CREW’s Freedom of Information Act request. And really, god knows what names are going to show up on that thing. Speculatively, some scary Christian leaders, a lot of tycoony types and I’m betting some Arab names that will send chills down your spine.
This was yesterday: Tuesday, December 18th. (More details by clickin’ here…)
Now, back to the fire. The one that happened on the morning of Wednesday, December 19th. What did we establish typically gets lost in government building fires? Documents. Where was this fire? Cheney’s office suite. Now, who was trying to keep some records hidden lately? The President. And who does the dirty work and would have sensitive logs near his station? The Veep.
Admittedly, that’s simple math. But in an administration highlighted by its collective insight of a 16 year old pregnant girl (callin’ it back), the addition tends to be simple. I’ll make a significant wager that at least a few pages of those logs come up missing; “destroyed in the recent fire” they’ll say. Wonder who could have been listed on those pages? Guess we’ll never know!
Long and short, no one will care except 9/11 truth-seekers. And I’m not sure if there is a segment of our population more unjustly marginalized for being “unpatriotic” than those cats.
Most disturbing is this idea: in 5 years, if they actually peg some low-level administration employee for arson, he’ll cry “National Security”. And still, no one will notice… because Dakota Fanning will be preggers.
And of course, Happy New Year! 2008 will be the year humanity redeems itself. Short of that, it will be the year I become successful and rich and stop caring about the rest of you tools.
Posted by shatraw 
Posted by mattraw 
Posted by shatraw 
Random Traffic = People Who Don’t Think We’re Funny
December 12, 2007Well, the votes are in and the verdict is clear. People just don’t get it.
Over the past few days, TrawTopia has been blessed with a massive increase in traffic — although believe me, the numbers aren’t that impressive. Nevertheless, image searches for the phrases “fat cat” and “Michael Vick” are shipping virgin readers to this humble blog by the assload. Again, I use that term loosely and comparatively. It’s not like we’ve ever had even 1,000 hits in a day. And I don’t care. Our friends come here, read something we wrote or watch some video we’ve linked and leave snarky comments. That’s how TrawTopia works.
Recent trends in the mass media, however, are sending strangers thisaway and that’s cool too. I’d like to preface this by saying “thank you for commenting.” It’s good to have everyday world citizens sharing their thoughts and feelings about our “work.”
Now, to mock three in particular for being total fucking idiots. Here we go… in chronological order of hilarious comments.
On the 8/7/2007 post “And in Kitty News…”
Aurobindo Ghosh Says:
December 10, 2007 at 11:37 am edit
Isn’t this cat simply beautiful? And a word about Mr. fun=fun Says. Pal you have a serious brain damage. Get lost and then roast your penis and testicles on your barbecue holiday.
How could you say something like that mean to an innocent creature?
OK, I’ll backtrack a little on my “fucking idiots” statement for this guy. (No such mercy for the next two, however.) Aurobindo has taken offense to a remark made by regular TrawTopia commenter “fun=fun.” Fun — we’ll call him that for short — mused that Britain’s fattest cat would be delicious when skinned and fried. I can see where that would put someone off. So I’m with you for that part, Auro. Granted you’re totally overlooking that was said ENTIRELY in jest. But here is where you lose me:
“Get lost and then roast your penis and testicles on your barbecue holiday”?
Let’s play “Where in the World is Aurobindo Ghosh?” He is clearly a foreigner, referring to what I can only guess is The Fourth of July as “your barbecue holiday.” Notice the use of the word “your”; Ghosh is not one of us! A cursory search of the name “Aurobindo” leads me to believe that he is indeed a he and probably Indian. And since I can only imagine you work in an English-speaking call center for CitiGroup or AT&T or something, you probably don’t like us. I don’t fault you for that.
But “penis and testicles”? In America, we call that “junk.”
And roasted? The funny thing is that you clearly don’t roast anything on a barbecue holiday. You barbecue. You outsmarted yourself in the span of six words.
Plus, why dig on the 4th? It’s the only day even unAmerican Americans are cool with being American. You’ve probably at least once celebrated Holi — essentially assuaging your fear of headcolds by throwing colorful powder containing hemp at each other. Y’all know we have Sudafed now, right? It can be taken orally, without brilliant stains covering your body and both gets you high and cures your illness. You’d think with all the elite medical practitioners you’re cranking out over there, this would have perhaps sunk in.
On the 8/15/2007 post “Michael Vick is in Way Deeper Than Anyone Thought… Like, Al Qaida Deep”
mich Says:
December 10, 2007 at 11:44 pm edit
micael vick aint no enemy of islam, therefore he aint gonna die. and wat if he is, so who cares. he has a right to his own belief.
First, there’s a piece of logic contained within this post I’d like to quickly dissect. “micael vick aint no enemy of islam, therefore he aint gonna die.” You must know your mathematics to come up with a proof that complex.
Anyway Mich. Mich Mich Mich… you didn’t bother reading the post, did you? You just looked at the picture of Michael Vick, on which I crudely illustrated a headwrap and scrawled “Enemies of Islam Must Die.” But you didn’t get it because YOU DIDN’T READ THE POST!
Maybe you’re a friend of Vick’s and you jumped to his defense before realizing what was actually going on because you didn’t read the post. Maybe you’re a genial Muslim fellow who knows that, in fact, there is no jihadist agenda aimed at Vick… and again, responded before reading the post. Or maybe you’re an illiterate person who didn’t go get his helper to read the post before hacking together the text in the picture and rifling out a response because you couldn’t read the post. Your command of the English language would indicate someone who is the latter of these three possibilites. But I digress…
In Glengarry GlenRoss, David Mamet writes: “you never open your mouth until you know what the shot is.” You’re at a satirical website. Things are obviously not meant to be taken at face value. So here’s the advice I leave you: READ (OR THINK) BEFORE YOU TYPE (OR SPEAK)… lest you sound as stupid as you sound.
On the 12/7/2007 post “Friday Fun: The Bright Side of Animal Cruelty”
Kimmy King Wu Says:
December 12, 2007 at 2:20 am edit
You totaly suck, dude. Shut the flip up.
This is pretty much the opposite of Mich. You clearly read… and good for you. From your spelling of the word “totally”, I’m guess you’re at about an 8th grade level. So it’s good that you could digest Mattraw’s thick prose. He’s a very intelligent man, sly and not for the dull of wit.
But I don’t think you actually watched the video…
You see, Kimmy, there’s no animal cruelty in that video. Just some never-will-be with a stupid webshow interviewing a Russian guy who doesn’t speak English and trains his cats to do wacky shit. It’s not cruel. Inconsiderate, perhaps. Ludicrous, definitely. But cruel? Not so much.
Special points for not having the balls to type “fuck” instead of “flip.” (You LOVE Napoleon Dynamite!) You wanted to put us in our place, but not come across as so tough on other people’s opinions that it might make it appear that you have own of your own. That’s very grown up of you… and explains why the world is so worthless and terrible.
ANYWHO, I hope we get some more comments like this in the near future. I’m just getting warmed up.