Well, it’s official…
Jessica Alba is preggers.
You read it. Gestating. Knocked up. With child.
Say your fond goodbyes, boys and girls, to this:
I can unequivocally say that Alba is now a victim of the most disturbing trend ever: child-bearing. What is with starlets and their babies? It’s so gross and interferes with all my deepest fantasies. The only child that should be in that belly is mine! And he’ll be a fantastic pitcher, drafted by the Oakland A’s in 2025 and make it to the show in 2027. Then he’ll get traded to the Mets and they’ll go on to win every World Series until 2036. That’s when the aliens come and implode the world. Because imploded planets are their fuel. The irony will be palpable.
Did you know: Alba’s man’s name is Cash Warren. Cash Warren. Cash. Warren. He has a first name for a last name and a last name for a first! You fucking tool. I can hear the backstory now: “My parents met at a Johnny Cash concert and fell in love.” They’re also retarded.
And how stupid is this from a business/career stand point? Jessica, as indicated in numerous interviews (for example…), thinks she’s smart. Well, here’s a perfect counterpoint. Lady, your career is based on that cute face and unbelievable caboose of yours; it ain’t your mastery of the theatrical arts. It’s based on the fact that you’re a masturbatory fantasy for boys and men (and lesbians) aged 12 to 112; it ain’t your consistently mediocre performances in such gems as Good Luck, Chuck, Dark Angel and Awake. Say what you will about our culture and society and it’s obsession with hotties and our expectations of them, but the bottom line is you just took a piss on your career for a least 4 or 5 years. Not exactly what I’d call “smart.” And you aren’t the “comeback with a gripping indie drama and win an Oscar” type either…
Bye bye Jessica Alba.
Hello Mary Elizabeth Winstead!
March 15, 2008 at 6:50 pm
this is hilarious