I was thinking about titling this post “The Needle and the Damage Done” but then figured about 80% of people blogging about this issue are using it. And they probably don’t even like Neil Young as much as I do. C’est la vie…
Yesterday, Senator George Mitchell released his lengthy report exposing the extent of steroid abuse in Major League Baseball. Perhaps the biggest name attached to rampant ‘roiding was Roger Clemens. (To which the gallery replied “yeah, so we figured.”) Of course, Clemens – through his lawyer – has vehemently denied the allegations. But I seem to remember – what year was it? 2005? – when he started his season on the 51st game of the year. He said he didn’t know if he was going to play again because of family and stuff, but he was mysteriously sitting out the exact amount of games required by the MLB for a first positive steroid test. And Bud Selig totally covered it up because he’s a greedy numbnut and it worked because baseball is making more and more each year. CONSPIRACY, I cry!
But that’s not even the half of how deep it goes. Some scary stuff about Clemens was revealed in the Mitchell Report. Y’know… aside from the common practice of shooting steroids into his ass, The Rocket has also been implicated in:
- Participating, along with numerous associates, in a con known as the “Spanish Prisoner”… bilking a Toronto businessman out of millions; this was done – it was reported – to raise funds for a “Vegas vacation”
- Tying fishing line to Bill Buckner’s glove in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series in order to “keep him on his toes”
- The aiding and abetting of fugitive robots
- Buying orphaned infants from China and distilling their stem cells into a brew he called “Rocket Fuel”
- Receiving numerous citations from the NYPD for “Failure to Signal Before Throwing a Pointy Object at Mike Piazza”
- Pooling his resources with Michael Vick in order to buy a Stinger missile from Iran; later, after a night of drinking and dog fighting with Vick, would pledge allegiance to Al Qaida
- Multiple incidents of domestic abuse when his children would fart, he would call “doorknob”, and proceed to punch them in the arm mercilessly until they got up and touched the nearest doorknob
- Killing a total of 19 hitchhikers from 1984-1990
- Shooting his own version of Human Growth Hormone into Andy Pettitte’s ass (GROAN!!!)
Pretty scary stuff. I always thought Clemens was a big douchebag… but calling “doorknob” on his own seed? That’s fucked up, man. That’s just so fucked.
December 14, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Here’s a brief summary of my overall reaction to the Mitchell Report:
“Who gives a fuck?”
Given that Mitchell was able to compile a list of about 80 players through the hearsay and conjecture (those are *kinds* of evidence) of a scant handful of clubhouse employees, I feel pretty comfortable extrapolating that data to conclude that, in the last 15 years, there were maybe three MLB players total who *didn’t* use some sort of Performance Enhancing Drug.
Now I don’t mean to invoke the old “everybody else is doing it so it’s ok” excuse, not least because it would make my hardline anti-LimeWire stance totally hypocritical. Still, there are a few things I think people ought to keep in mind amidst the heady fervor of controversy.
1. There’s no real way to quantify the effects of PEDs on athletes. Would McGwire have hit 70 without them? Not likely. Would he have still been a pretty damned good power hitter? Pretty likely. There’s a whole lot more to baseball than raw strength – if I’d been juicing for the last 10 years, I might be jacked and have shrunken junk, but I’d still never be able to make solid contact on a BP fastball.
2. There’s also no real way to verify the aforementioned hearsay and conjecture in the Mitchell Report. We don’t really know all that much about guys like Kirk Radomski and Brian McNamee (except that the latter sounds like the worst pseudonym ever), so while the names on the list range from the “duh” (Canseco) to the “huh?” (poor Brian Roberts!), the report is in no way, shape, or form definitive.
3. In a weird way, the fact that such a large proportion of MLB seems to have juiced at some point or another is actually a good thing. It’s not just Bonds and McGwire and Sosa, it’s (probably) damned near everybody, which points to a pretty level (if illegal and junk-destroying) playing field. If a juiced-up Clemens is pitching to a juiced-up Bonds, doesn’t it almost work itself out? Kinda? Sure, the Steroid Era has a decidedly darker sound than the Deadball Era, but in the end, as long as you’re aware of the overall context, there’s no need to get into any “baseball is a ruined sport” histrionics.
So yeah. What’s done is done, let’s run with the more stringent testing, let the past stay in the past, and usher in the next golden age of baseball.
Oh, and also, Manny corks his bat.
Eick has proof.
December 14, 2007 at 10:34 pm
aside from my made up shenanigans about clemens, many of which i hope are real, i agree with your sentiment on the issue, mattraw.
brian roberts probably = “human growth hormone will help me recover from my incessant injuries in a more expedient manner.”
December 15, 2007 at 2:09 am
Rocket-Fuel-Malt-Liquor — DAMN!!!
Guzizza, my dilzneufuses.
December 15, 2007 at 6:24 am
Wait…abetting fugitive robots is a crime? Hoo boy. My P.O. aint’s gonna like this one bit.
December 17, 2007 at 8:02 am
nice work!
question for matt: why not just post these lengthy comments and opinions. Art thouest not blessed with traw? The gallery of traws says yes!
December 17, 2007 at 7:45 pm
this one says it all.
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y282/KappaJota/yankee.jpg
December 18, 2007 at 10:51 pm
that was so totally photoshopped.
No way that derek isn’t a top.