This year, Christmas was at my sister’s place in Texas. This wouldn’t be so exceptional, excepting that she and her husband were just blessed with their first son. His name is Tanner Clifton Streigle and this is what he looks like:
I really like his robe. Sadly, his parents are New England Patriots fans, so once he understands words, I’ll have to do something about that. It’s my uncle-y duty.
Anyway, I found out last night that my brother knocked up his wife! Good for them and big congrats. I know my sister-in-law has been wanting a kid — especially since my sister-proper already had one. Nothing like a little competition to expand a family. Have I mentioned that all these people are younger than me? Crazy kids havin’ kids. Make me feel like a resigned old bachelor and I’m only 26.
Anyway, my bro and I had a long conversation about baby names last night. Honestly, I like where their collective head is at with that whole thing. But still, I wanted to come up with some naming ideas that would be a little out of the box. Just to give them some more options, you know?
Forget Pilot Inspector, Apple and Kyd. Blech. This is how I roll.
BOYS
- Thunk – the ultimate name for a big lug of a boy-child; will end up an offensive lineman for the Atlanta Falcons
- Governor – you want a kid with leadership potential? Plus, sounds great with a goofy British accent
- Crash – good name if you want a crazy kid who is really funny about breaking shit
- Mad Jack – why would you fuck with someone named Mad Jack?
- Dagger – because your name is Dagger
GIRLS
- Disclaima – with attitude like that, she should definitely come with one
- Cosine – demand excellence in math by blessing her with name that practically assures it
- Ember – “Amber” is for narcs; Ember will burn yo’ ass
- Amuse-Bouche – hah hah hah… hah.
- Pegasus – sure, it seems a little masculine, but there has to be a woman out there for “Dagger”
That was fun. Hopefully my brother and his wife will find something they like on this list (doubtful). And look for my son, Thunk Martin Shatraw, to be starting for the New York Mets by 2038.
Any of y’all have some good namin’ ideas?
January 23, 2008 at 9:45 pm
its so true, dagger has such a hard time meeting the quiet, mouse-y librarian girl of his dreams
he and pegasus will have a long beautiful relationship
January 23, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Dagger is awesome.
What about:
Abraxas? It’s some Egyptian demon name or something…
Zylo? Named after a werewolf…
Thiago? It’s brazilian for St. James…
Bodie? Named after the best character on The Wire…
Tristan? What’s NOT to like…
Shaquille? Shaquille Shatraw…
Fester? named after the greatest Quest in history…
January 23, 2008 at 10:34 pm
my nickname in middle school was shaq. it was so pervasive, my guidance counselor kept referring to me as such all through high school.
damn you leapin’ larry. that shit was done by 8th grade.
January 24, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Fun=Fun was just telling me about meeting some Native American waitress whose last name was Goodluck.
Brutus Goodluck-Cockcroft.
Tremendous Goodluck-Cockcroft.
My mind is blown.
January 24, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Boy Names:
Big Rig Shatraw
Carl Shatraw Jr.
John Paul Shatraw
T-Rex Shatraw
Girl Names:
Ringwald Shatraw
Meghan Cain Shatraw
Mithiril Shatraw
Sinead ‘O Shatraw
January 24, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Dude, are you naming babies or American Gladiators? Dagger my ass. And, I’m sorry, Pegasus is NOT, repeat, NOT a masculine name. It is, in fact, and this is true, the name of the most popular gay bar in downtown Pittsburgh. All that having been said, Mad Jack is possibly the best child name I have ever heard.
I am always in favor of naming children titles — Governor, in this case, but Admiral would also kick ass.
I will defer to professional comedians for further naming advice:
-The children of Denis Leary suggest “Chickenhead” for any new addtition to the family unit.
-And the inimitable (and not just because he’s dead) Mitch Hedberg suggests that when trying to decide on a name for a couple, one should invite over an acquaintance with a cast on.
Beyond that, my own suggestion would be to do what I do when I need a name for a story (although this is a little morbid for baby naming): stroll through a graveyard and check out the tombstones. Them dead peoples’ got names. And they ain’t using ‘em.
Propellor would be the shit, by the way. There. That lightened it up. Right?
January 24, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Also, that kid already has the patented world-weary Shatraw glower down pat.
January 24, 2008 at 11:44 pm
it’s one of our more defining traits. my sister’s shatraw genes are strong with this one.
January 24, 2008 at 11:46 pm
and kablackquois, c’mon. dagger is a BAD ASS name. think about it with your family name. “Dagger Kablack.” fucking rock star. period.
January 25, 2008 at 2:21 am
i pity the day you disclose to the family, the naming of your first child.
January 25, 2008 at 2:36 am
COME ON MOM, HAVE A LITTLE FAITH!
if it’s a boy, it’s already been decided anyway. and it’s none of these. although Dagger sounds more and more appealing.
January 25, 2008 at 6:30 am
danger, dagger! egad! re: ragged. dredged the dregs, graded eggs.
January 25, 2008 at 6:52 pm
The problem with naming a kid Dagger is that you are then locked into, by law (I’m pretty sure it’s a federal law) naming either your next kid OR any subsequent dogs you might get, Cloak (this won’t work with cats, because you can’t take cats .
So that’s something to consider.
I like food names – their vibrant and pretty time-resistant (seeing as we’ll, hopefully, still be eating in the future and not getting our nutrients intraveinously or having it teleported straight into our bellies)
Chocolate Shatraw
Kumquat Shatraw
RibEye Shatraw
Linguine Shatraw with Vodka sauce
(ooh, Vodka) Vodka Shatraw
Whiskey Shatraw
Twist Shatraw
LemonLime Shatraw
Beef Shatraw (especially if you are serious about him going into pro sports)
George Michael Shatraw
Cellphone Shatraw
Paycheck Shatraw
Chumpy Shatraw (zing!!!!)
I got a little off-topic there, sorry. Chocolate is good if you want your kid to be an R&B singer. I also like Beef. But I think the best one there is Paycheck. Then, when he punched people in the face, people would say he was delivering his “paycheck!” Yeah!
January 25, 2008 at 9:00 pm
I would beat the crap out of any kid named Kumquat.
that name invites beatings.
January 25, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I had a couple whiskey shatraws last night, which explains my last comment
also, may I suggest the classic “Blind Lemon Shatraw?”
It’s lovely with the potatoes au gratin
shatraw
January 25, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Yes, because Youppi inspires fear in the hearts of all men.
You adorable little fairy.
February 18, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Jumpscar Shatraw
Samuel L. Shatraw
?